I hope all of you are enjoying a bit of cooler weather wherever you are, now that we are well into September. (Not to be northist to my friends down in the southern hemisphere.) We are starting to get some slightly cooler nights here in Virginia, which is nice, though through odd coincidence, my weekly travels have taken me out to Arizona of late, where it is still hotter than Old Scratch’s underpants.

I shouldn’t complain, though; I love my work in any climate. Besides, I am trying to complain less these days in general, after Mrs. B observed that I have become a bit of a whiner of late. This is, as she put it, “off brand” for a happiness specialist. I argued lamely that she should stop complaining about my complaining, but ultimately had to concede her point.

However, she followed up with a point I could not concede: that I should be grateful because no one complains about me. Given that I write and speak for a public audience, this is manifestly untrue, I told her. In fact, people complain about what I say every day. “Prove it,” she challenged. Well, a cursory glance at the comment section of just my latest column did the trick. One critic called my work, “desperate attempts at deep, meaningful insights.” (Do I sound desperate to you? Do I???) Another, noting my religious practices, said, “I would kill myself if I had to go to church every day.” Still another called me “Mr. Buzz kill.” (Hey, that’s Dr. Buzz kill to you, buddy.) A quick look over at X added this gem: “You are a grifting pathetic fraud. And you’re bald.”

“See,” I told her, “people complain that I’m desperate and bald!”

“You’re not desperate,” she responded.

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Anyway, all this got me thinking about how best to stop complaining. So that’s our topic today.

Complaining is the act of expressing your dissatisfaction or annoyance. According to psychological theory, it is a fairly complex process that follows at least five steps, starting with a focus on your own desires.¹ Next, you detect a discrepancy between what you want and what you are experiencing. This leads to negative feelings. Then, you judge the utility of complaining. If it seems worthwhile to you, you let rip; if it doesn’t, you keep the complaint to yourself.

The problem with all of this kvetching is that while it can feel therapeutic, it typically isn’t. Although complaining might offer temporary relief, it’s bad for your happiness in the long run. For example, in one 2009 study, Polish researchers measured people’s mood before and after they complained, and found that the complainers’ mood significantly deteriorated.² Other scholars have shown that people who share negative emotions on social media—a very prevalent type of complaining today—experience lower levels of well-being.³

Much more likely is that it will be in your interest, if you have a complaining habit, to break it. The people you care about will be happier too. Here are four research-based ways to quit complaining.

1. Judge less, observe more. Complaining is a fundamentally egotistical act—subjecting something about the world to your judgment. Tomorrow, try to reframe what were today’s minor irritations as simple events. For example, instead of grumbling about someone who cuts you off in traffic, simply observe that the person is obviously in a hurry.
2. Consider the underlying problem. If you have a habit of complaining, you could find it worthwhile to dig into why you’re so often going over your dissatisfaction threshold. For my own part, I’ve noticed that when something big is disturbing me, I also get impatient about all the little things I don’t like. Perhaps if you deal with what is really bothering you, you’ll find that the weather and politics aren’t really worth complaining about.
3. Avoid the grumblers. One reason you complain a lot might be that you keep negative company, online or in person. Curate your personal life to the extent that you can, and turn off the complaint machines in your media—such as the complaining commenters and critics on X. Remember, your misery is their fuel.
4. Be a Stoic. The Stoics, such as Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, managed their feelings about life’s trials through reason. So when you are about to complain, subject your complaint to the Stoic test: Can you do something about the situation? If not, then complaining won’t help. If you can, then get on with life.

And if this works, you might be interested in spending a little more time with the Stoics. Check out my episode of Office Hours with guest Ryan Holiday here.

Desperately and baldly yours,

Arthur

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P.S.—There is a digital version of me trained on millions of words of my writing—use it to go deeper on this week’s topic, or on anything about building a happier life.​Don’t know where to start? Try this prompt: What can I do to observe, instead of judge? Try it here.

References‍
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​[1] Kowalski R. M. (1996). Complaints and complaining: Functions, antecedents, and consequences. Psychological Bulletin, 119(2), 179–196.
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[2] Wojciszke, B., Baryła, W., Szymków-Sudziarska, A., Parzuchowski, M., & Kowalczyk, K. (2009). Saying is experiencing: Affective consequences of complaining and affirmation. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 40(2), 74–84.

[3] Keipi T, Räsänen P, Oksanen A, Hawdon J, Näsi M (2018). Exposure to online hate material and subjective well-being: A comparative study of American and Finnish youth. Online Information Review, 42(1), pp. 2–15.