I hope your summer is off to a good start, and you are enjoying some sunny weather outside. As usual, I am on tour a good deal of the time, and visited ten states in May to give lectures and various talks.

Lately, I have been giving a few talks jointly with the lovely Mrs. B. She doesn’t like traveling as much as I do; inexplicably, she doesn’t care for endless TSA lines and hotel rooms that smell like the last guest had a service monkey. But she does like doing events together, because they are generally on a theme we care a lot about: falling in love, and staying in love.

Here we are at the virtual launch of my new book, The Meaning of Your Life. (Oh, you didn’t know I wrote a new book? You must be new here.) Actually, Mrs. B and I aren’t live in this photo—just doing a tech check. But I am a little distracted.
This week we appeared together on Univision’s national morning show, “Despierta América,” where we talked about the secrets to happy marriages. You can watch here if you speak Spanish. If not, you can still enjoy watching six people all talk at the same time.

A frequent topic for young adults in our joint public events, especially the Q&A, is how to date the right person. And that’s today’s newsletter topic.

According to the Pew Research Center, 75 percent of people say that dating is hard.¹ And when they fail to find the right person, too many people end up dating the wrong one. Some complain that they are suffering “Groundhog Day Syndrome” in dating: following the same failed pattern, over and over, because the people they are attracted to are not good mates—prospects who, for example, are already in a relationship, have unmanaged addictions, or are abusive.

Let’s start with already being in a relationship. Social scientists believe that a tendency to fall for the unavailable comes from “mate-choice copying.”² One of the ways humans gauge attractiveness is with market signals: who else likes that person. Researchers have found, for example, that individuals are up to four times as likely to find an already committed person attractive, compared to a single person.³

Other people have a habit of choosing partners who can’t manage an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or other destructive substances and behaviors. Evidence shows that such an attraction might be connected with someone’s childhood. People who have alcoholic parents, for instance, are more likely to be attracted to partners who drink a lot.⁴

So, if you have found yourself chasing unavailable people or some other inappropriate type, you might be tempted to despair, or conclude that you simply aren’t attracted to suitable potential mates. Before throwing in the towel, consider the following three strategies.

  1. Ignore the things that others find attractive. Mate-choice copying is a form of social comparison, in which you assess your own worth and develop your views based on the opinions of others. This is a terrible way to live your life in general, and an especially poor way to find a partner. When considering a match, ask yourself, “Do I like this person?,” not, “Would my friends date her?” or “What will people think of me?”
  2. Focus on things that aren’t looks and status. One of the best ways to snag mates with nefarious personalities is to date primarily based on surface-level characteristics, such as money, power, and physical attractiveness. If you find yourself with one narcissist after another, this may be why. Bad people can be good at appearing attractive, charming, and persuasive. But these traits (like good teeth or a high-paying job) don’t predict faithfulness and kindness. Seek out the latter.
  3. Stop looking for your ex. If you find yourself stuck in a harmful dating pattern, write up your exes’ troublesome traits, then describe someone who has the opposite virtues, and think about where you might find them. This can be pretty straightforward. If alcohol has created problems in your past relationships, for example, you might decide to stop dating people you meet in bars.

See you next week,

Arthur

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P.S. While we’re on the subject of romance… My next episode of Office Hours covers why individuals tend to date the very people who are wrong for them. Over and over again. Please do give it a watch or listen if you wish to break out of this cycle and choose better relationship patterns.

References​
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[1] Brown, A. (2020). “Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years.” Pew Research Center.

[2] Waynforth, D. (2007). Mate choice copying in humans. Human Nature, 18(3), 264-271.

[3] Parker, J., & Burkley, M. (2009). Who’s chasing whom? The impact of gender and relationship status on mate poaching. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 45(4), 1016-1019.

[4] Schuckit, M. A., Tipp, J. E., & Kelner, E. (1994). Are daughters of alcoholics more likely to marry alcoholics?. The American journal of drug and alcohol abuse, 20(2), 237-245.