In an age of internet influencer self-promotion, narcissism in politics and media, and my-way-or-the-highway activism, it might seem like modesty and humility are quaint concepts from the age of innocence. I want to make the case that these things are not just an old virtue, but also a strategy for greater happiness.

What the science says

​Research has shown that in fact, humility is a great happiness strategy. When people face negative events, humility can buffer the pain and stress that they cause. Humble people are also more attractive to romantic partners. Dating research finds that most people perceive humble potential partners as more appealing than those who are arrogant. Humility also can make you more generous with others, and more effective as a leader.

Humility—modesty about one’s own importance or expertise—can refer to an act (for example, giving up a good seat for another), a condition (living in an unflashy way), or a trait (avoiding the assumption that you are always right). It can be practiced intellectually—a concept called “epistemic humility,” seen in discussions of, for example, religion or politics—and socially, in our relationships with others, which can involve refraining from behaviors such as boasting, for instance.

So why aren’t we humble?

Mother Nature makes you want to be right all the time, and encourages you never to acknowledge your faults. This is because she doesn’t care at all about your happiness. You have to stand up to her and act how you want, not how you feel. We need to see humility as being like a physical-fitness program: Exercising requires a realistic assessment of our physical limitations and a willingness to embrace some pain—but when the positive health results appear when you have a checkup, you realize it was worth it.

What you can do

Some humility advice is obvious, such as “talk less about yourself” and “argue less, listen more.” But for those who like the exercise analogy for humility, here are three ideas that have worked well for me.

1. Research your weaknesses.One instrument from Gallup, which ranks personal strengths in 34 categories, reveals my weaknesses with an uncanny accuracy that is extremely useful for personal growth. But you can use many other tools to achieve the same result.
2. Ask a friend to make sure you take the pill. Have a friend hold you accountable to be authentically humble, and call you on it when you fall short.
3. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Rather than seeing yourself as smaller in order to be humble, you can also recognize how other things are greater than a me-me-me focus. Try gazing at an amazing landscape photo or spend a moment of contemplation on the life of a truly virtuous or holy person.

This is what I think. But then again, I might be wrong.

Arthur