Now, do you have someone in your life to whom you need to apologize? Getting that done might be a good way to start the new year.
But it’s not easy. It requires personal strength, a good ear, and a fair bit of psychological sophistication, which is why so many apologies are unsuccessful.
Here’s how to do it.
What the science says
Researchers have identified the neurocognitive complexities of apologies, involving at least three distinct processes. First is cognitive control, because you are making a choice to say you are sorry even though doing so is difficult and uncomfortable, which involves the lateral prefrontal cortex. Second is perspective taking, which involves thinking about how something you have said or done was experienced by another person and putting yourself in their position, implicating the temporoparietal junction. Last is social valuation, the way you calculate how much your apology will help everyone involved, as opposed to just yourself, which mobilizes the ventromedial prefrontal cortex.
The acknowledgment of responsibility proves to be the most important ingredient of a good apology. Next in importance is an offer of repair, followed by an explanation of what happened. All three of these quite practical components are more effective than an apologizer’s more abstract options of an expression of regret, a declaration of repentance, or a request for forgiveness.
What I think
How you apologize has a huge influence on your apology’s likelihood of success. A partial apology is worse than none at all. Think of the least effective apologies you have received, perhaps from a repeat offender. It probably featured those exact elements. Consider this version of that sort of apology: “I’m so, so sorry for going on another bender and waking up broke in Vegas. This time I’ll really change—really! Just give me one more chance!” See what I mean? An abstract, hollow apology is unlikely to elicit much forgiveness.
What you can do
Armed with this information, you are now ready to apologize in a way that is most likely to solve the problem you created. Be sure to remember two crucial maxims.
- Apologizing is less costly and more beneficial than you think. People commonly imagine looking weak or incompetent for admitting guilt, resulting in their losing trust or losing face. They can imagine being forgiven, but they don’t think much about how being willing to admit fault might raise others’ admiration for them. Experiments show that we tend to overestimate the cost and underestimate the benefit of apologizing.
- Take full responsibility. Think of all the begrudging apologies we hear in public life from politicians and celebrities. Generally, they take the form of “If anyone was hurt or offended by my words, I am sorry.” That is a partial apology, which shows grudging sympathy but no sense of responsibility. When you have offended someone, don’t say, “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.” Say instead, “I can see that I hurt your feelings, and I am sorry I did that.”
If all goes well, what should you hope for after you give an apology? Most likely, you want to be granted a clean slate and for life to return to normal. But even if you don’t achieve that, you will have done the right thing.
In the meantime, Happy New Year, with much love from my family to yours,
