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38

Finding Meaning in Your Grief

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Grief is part of the human experience. If you love, you will lose. And when you do, the pain is inescapable. It can be disorienting, overwhelming, and in the case of acute grief, the symptoms can even resemble something like psychosis.

In this episode of Office Hours, I explore what grief actually is, how it is lived and felt by those who are bereaved, and why these reactions—however unsettling—are not signs of dysfunction. They are, in fact, evidence of something profoundly good: the depth of our love and devotion to one another.

The aim is not to eliminate grief—that is neither possible nor desirable—but to approach it with understanding. In doing so, we can move toward our suffering rather than away from it, extend compassion to others walking a similar path, and begin to discover meaning within our loss.

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Referenced:

• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness

• Meaning Membership

• The Happiness Scale

• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks

• My Wind Phone (wind phone directory)

• Treatment of complicated grief: a randomized controlled trial

• On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families

• 5 Stages of Grief®

• Presence in absence. The ambiguous phenomenology of grief

• Behavioral triggers of skin conductance responses and their neural correlates in the primate amygdala

• The Evolution of Grief, Both Biological and Cultural, in the 21st Century

• The association of time since spousal loss and depression in widowhood: a systematic review and meta-analysis

• Grief and the Search for Meaning: Exploring the Assumptive Worlds of Bereaved College Students

• Zen Koans: The Sound of One Hand

• Characteristics of the bereavement experience of older persons after spousal loss: an integrative review

• The Ritual Effect: From Habit to Ritual, Harness the Surprising Power of Everyday Actions

• Rituals Alleviate Grieving for Loved Ones, Lovers, and Lotteries

• The loss of a child, bereavement, and the search for meaning: A systematic review of the most recent parental interventions

• Wayne Gretzky’s quote

guest appearing in this episode

(00:00) Intro  

(05:13) The story of Itaru Sasaki’s wind phone  

(07:26) What grief is  

(09:33) Grief vs. bereavement  

(10:03) Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief and newer research  

(14:42) The brain’s response to grief  

(18:24) How long does it take to get through grief  

(20:45) Post-traumatic growth and the five areas that often improve  

(23:45) #1. Look for meaning  

(26:56) #2. Change your identity  

(29:15) #3. Adopt rituals  

(30:53) #4. Let yourself be happy again  

(32:10) #5. Help others with grief  

(34:10) Q&A: How failure helps your career  

(35:24) Q&A: Getting married in a church after leaving it  

(37:24) Q&A: Breaking the cycle of self-blame

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